Three lessons I learned the hard way becoming an adult

It’s weird, when do we exactly become adults?

I’m almost 30, and honestly, although I grew in a lot of ways – I still don’t feel like “adult” enough.

I have several lessons learned that I wish people warned me, so I didn’t need to learn the hard way. And here are some of those:

You need to save yourself first before you can save anyone

In a society (especially in Filipino households) where self-sacrifice for family, friends, or the community is noble – it is so easy to set ourselves aside and put others’ needs first.

I’ve been there, and have seen it a lot. We unconditionally give financial or emotional support whether asked or not, or whether we have resources for it or not. Out of a sense of responsibility and guilt.

But to what cost?

No peace of mind, no personal growth, financial insecurities, and more.

When you are drowning, you can’t save others from drowning.

It took me a while to realize that if you want to help others, you must help yourself first. Stabilize yourself emotionally, mentally, and financially. Grow as a person first.

Then you’ll be able to help others while keeping yourself whole.

Friendships don’t last forever

Or at least they are not always constantly strong.

I have friends now that I am so thankful for because they are my biggest supporters. But I also had friendships that despite how strong I thought they were, gradually drifted away.

Friendship break ups. They are the hardest.

Life happens and you realize, you are just a bystander in other people’s lives. And your role is not always important in theirs.

As we each grow as a person, we can also grow apart.

As we “Adults”, we become different people with different goals and changing values.

And that is okay.

Because the more you hold on to friendships that don’t serve each other anymore, the relationship can easily get sour. So gracefully let go of relationships because they are not yours to keep.

And when you meet again, you’ll be better versions of yourselves and then maybe you can re-kindle.

Stand up for yourself, because nobody else would

If you are lucky, you have trustworthy people around you who have your back. But they won’t always be around.

I was in college when I learned this lesson.

At 17 years old it was a normal routine for me to ride the jeepney early in the mornings. I started the day with such a positive attitude, excited to go to the university. I was in uniform with my small backpack and a 2-inch thick of photocopies.

I sat next to a small seemingly timid guy, and in front of me an acquaintance from childhood – we exchanged polite smiles. It was still spacious until a few minutes later as the jeep picked up commuters, it became really tight.

I was at the end of the jeepney minding my own business.

I caught a glimpse of my acquaintance in front of me who seemed uncomfortable looking at me.

I didn’t mind it, because he might just be feeling awkward for not talking. I was looking out when I felt tight around my side boob. I was sitting with my backpack in front of me so it wasn’t that surprising until it persisted.

When I looked down, I saw a hand touching my left boob.

I was so shocked and pushed the hands and the guy away.

I don’t curse, but all the curse words I knew went out at that moment. Saying how dare he do that. All the people looked my way, looked at me for a few seconds – then looked away. I was an underage student who got indecently assaulted by an adult and surrounded by adults.

Yet, they all chose to be silent, including my acquaintance in front of me.

During the traffic stop, the guy went out immediately. And I was filled with rage for him just escaping. So will all my strength, I slapped my 2-inch photocopies to his back head making him stumble going out.

I felt a sense of justice. My acquaintance giggled, seeing justice.

But the teenage me became traumatized with all contact during commutes from that day. Never smiled and didn’t want to look too friendly.

That’s also when I realize, I need to stand up to myself because a lot of times, no one else will. I also made it a point to always stand up to injustice when I see one in public.